Team Fortress 2

A tribute to 120 hours spent on this game!  I think I’ve gotten a little too good at this game.  I keep owning those noobs every day – they never learn.  When I’m blue, I go out of the gate with nothing but my trusty Black Box and destroy everything.  There’s a level 3 sentry on the point?  Look again.  There’s a ubercharged heavy-medic combo coming at me?  They can’t hit me.  I’m the best player there ever was, and everybody knows that.

Bullshit, you noobity nooby noob.  Let’s see you in action, nooby noob noob newb nob.

You want proof?  I’ll give you proof.

If you play TF2 or ever wanted to play TF2, I suggest you not look at the screenshot below.  My dominance over the other team is more than your puny little brain can ever hope to handle.

10 points, two airshot rockets. Have you even seen ten whole points before?  And it was all me.  How could somebody “help” me with an airshot rocket?  Can you even wrap your mind around the very idea that a mere TF2 player could score two airshot rockets in a row?

No.  No, you can’t.  It’s because I’m on an entirely different level than you.  While you’re off prancing around as a scout or trying to leech points as a medic, I’m destroying waves upon waves of professional players.  You?  You stand no chance before my power.

And if you think you can catch me off-guard by forcing me to play another class, you’re entirely mistaken.

You see, I’m an expert at every class.  I’m the type of Medic that rushes in with nothing but a melee weapon and slaughters your team.  I’m the Sniper who not only kills you, but taunts on top of you first.  I’m the engineer that doesn’t rely on sentry guns to defeat you.  Why bother, when a pistol is good enough?

Sometimes my team loses while I’m afking, doing stuff that’s way more important than stupid games, you stupid nerd.  Yet even then, I come back and kill the “winners” by taunting each and every one of them to death.

You might think,

Wait, that’s not fair at all!  How come you’re so good after 100 hours when I’m still at the bottom of the list after 5000?

You’re right – it isn’t fair…

…it isn’t fair that I have no competition at all!  As you can see, I can lie down on the ground without a weapon and still slaughter your team.  Team Fortress 2 is a competitive game.  It’s a game where a team with a fully fortified fortress tries to bring down one man – me.  Yet even a stupid weeaboo nerdy game like this, where all the odds are stacked against me, isn’t enough to satisfy me.

I pick off the noobs like I pick off my acne: fast and clean.  Like picking acne, it hurts a little to see how fast my opponents fall, and it’s a little bloody when they do.  Why can’t I come across any big hairy warts that I have to put some effort into defeating?  It’s unfair.

I’m just too good.

11 Comments on “Team Fortress 2”

  1. E Minor says:

    A tribute to 120 hours spent on this game!

    I’m almost embarrassed to quote how long I’ve played TF2 and I haven’t played in nearly a month. I see Dustbowl and Goldrush in all your screenshots though. Tsk tsk, where’s the Granary dominance?

    • misaki says:

      One of my good college friends has played over 2600 hours…!

      Also, pressing F12 to take screenshots isn’t something I do on a regular basis… especially in Granary, where the swarm of n00bz can cover the entire tiny map!

      Well, Arena anyway. I usually don’t play CP or Payload, but I had to in order to get some decent screenshots – I tend to F12 only after I die in arena… Here’s an arena_well screenshot – not one of my better games, with only a hundred kills.

      • E Minor says:

        LOL, I dunno what to say ’cause my hours are higher than your friend as well.

        I know what you mean by never taking screenshots ’cause this is all I’ve taken in my years of TF2.

      • misaki says:

        Well, that screenshot’s definitely a keeper..

        Also, wtf so many hours! Were you in professional leagues?

  2. Mushyrulez says:

    I’m better than you, and I’ve played for even less – just 0 minutes!

    Oh wait *cries in corner and begs for money*

    • misaki says:

      I got the game for $3! The Orange Box was on sale last December for $15 and I nabbed it. :3

      I would vouch to pay for you, but I’m a cheap Asian guy and I wouldn’t pay $10 for anything.

  3. Sinophile says:

    Dude this blog is fucking hilarious thanks for writing it

  4. Walfas says:

    I have played almost 220 hours of TF2 and I am still terrible at it (though I’ve gotten better in comparison, after the free-to-play update, since the general skill level went down). How do I TF2

    • flomu says:

      I just passed 230 hours of TF2 (oh, summer…), and I’ve gotten half decent at Soldier because I only play as Soldier. F2P hasn’t really changed much for me, since I play on a friend’s clan server with pros who can kill me from across the map with a medic crossbow. 🙁

      tf2 sucks

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