Short shortsPosted: March 6, 2010
Disclaimer: This post is kind of NSFW (not safe for work), but there’s no porno and whatnot here.
Recently, there has been something of a debate going around in the aniblogosphere about boobs, most of which is less of a debate than an excuse to post porn and say good things about it. But I think you’re all missing the point.
Why do men like women?
Their boobs, right?
The short shorts they wear every so often?
Now you may say that I love short shorts because Mikoto always wears them. That is true. However, I have loved short shorts ever since I born into the hospital room where nobody was wearing short shorts. All throughout elementary school, I stayed with the other little boys because the non-short-shorts-wearing girls wereso icky and had cooties. I bet wearing short shorts would’ve changed that.
Middle school was better, and I got my first taste of girls wearing short shorts. However, since they always wore the wrong kind of short shorts, they were still disgusting creatures who liked pink ponies and all forms of clothing except short shorts. When I got to high school, I finally started to see both sides of the short short spectrum: the incredibly alluring and sexy “right” type of short shorts, and the butt-hugging fat-showing “wrong” form of short shorts. Of course, there are those girls who refuse to even wear the wrong form of short shorts, but since they are so insignificant, I usually assume that they don’t exist.
You’re probably wondering by now what constitutes “right” and “wrong” short shorts.
Well, I can tell you for sure that most of you are in the wrong mindset about short shorts. They are not supposed to be tight-fitting or up too high. A search on Danbooru (NSFW) proves it. So let me change this. Here are some very, very painfully basic and elementary things that every person – male or female – should know about the “right” short shorts:
- They are not tight.
I can’t stress this enough. They should not be showing your buttcrack, cameltoe, etc. because that’s vulgar. It’s not artistic, appealing, etc.
- They are made of cotton (or similar materials).
Denim is sometimes also fine, but that stretchy crap isn’t short shorts. It’s just that – stretchy crap. If I wanted stretchy crap, I would… wait, I don’t want stretchy crap. It’s just bad. Really bad. Bike shorts also fall into this category.
- They are flat across the bottom.
Now this is hard to describe without any visuals, so I made one on MS Paint:
Short shorts should not ride up on the sides. That makes it underwear. And underwear is not short shorts – it’s just plain disgusting. People who like this type of short shorts claim it allows more leg to show through. That’s obviously true, but it’s equally obvious that it also shows where the vagina is. The shorts basically point to it. Short shorts that go flat across the bottom leave much more room for imagination, allowing for a better viewing experience.
- They are not too short and not too long.
Between seven and ten inches is fine. Six to seven if the girl is short, and ten to twelve if she’s tall, but that’s pushing it for shorter people.
Short shorts that are too short encroach upon the forbidden short short shorts territory. If you’re in that region, you might as well sell your body, since that’s too short for normal wear and perfect length for whores (whores can wear things that short because people who visit whores are deranged men who aren’t interested in short shorts to begin with).
Short shorts that are too long (past the halfway point between the waist and the knee) are half-short shorts – too long to be short shorts and too short to be plain shorts. This leads to a very confused reaction from people who see these half-short shorts. Are they supposed to be short shorts or shorts? Make up your mind! This confusion detracts from what little attraction these types of shorts could give.
- They must be on an attractive girl.
Many times I see unattractive people wearing short shorts. Yes, it makes them more attractive, but they are unattractive to begin with. Negative times positive is still negative, okay? (on that note, negative times negative is supernegative, not positive)
Now that I’ve laid down the basics for you, here are some examples (all 2D, because this is still an anime blog, right?):
These are bad short shorts. They ride up, have some weird crap coming out of the bottom, and look like underwear. Also, they’re denim. If they were cotton, this would look better. Of course, if they were stretchy crap, I wouldn’t have even put this picture on here.
These are ideal short shorts. They are cotton (or at least look like it), flat across the bottom, perfect length, not tight, tan colored and have that border at the bottom.
Oh, that’s right. I didn’t tell you my personal preferences yet. Well, better late than never:
- Color matters. I like tan, white, and dark green colored short shorts. Sometimes blue works, and usually that’s when it’s denim. Though it’s my favorite color, black usually doesn’t work well. It doesn’t really stand out, and black is the most popular stretchy crap color.
- That border at the bottom (not sure what it’s called) is great.They give a definitive finish to the short shorts, boldly stating where the short shorts end and the legs begin. Things like bike shorts and stretchy crap short shorts don’t have this, so the shorts look like part of the leg, leading to the appearances of things like cameltoes and buttcracks. Short shorts that ride up on the side also don’t have this, but nobody cares about that kind of short shorts anyway.
- The waist part is best without elastic. This is getting really damn hard to explain, but uh… the best short shorts don’t have an elastic waist part. You need a zipper and a button. Of course, you can have great looking short shorts without this (Mikoto’s short shorts are elastic, I think), but it’s a great cherry to put on top of the short shorts cake.