How to anicon?Posted: May 31, 2009
With AnimeExpo coming up in a month, I will now reveal to you that I am an anicon virgin. Of course, that could be easily deduced, considering that on my About page, I clearly state that I got into anime last December.
Regardless, such is the case, and I’ve nothing to base my expectations of an anicon on (double repetition unintended, though funny if said out loud) except Lucky Star, Genshiken, and the random half-troll, half-real anicon posts of other anibloggers.
This post will be about what I believe will take place during an anicon (TROLLIN’). Also, please tell me how to survive an entire anicon and if there will be hoards of Naruto-shirt-wearers so that I can easily fit in.
Because wherever there is an anime convention, there are otaku. Otaku are always obese, messy Asian men with very expensive cameras. I am also an obese, messy Asian man with a very expensive camera.
This will be quite the challenge to overcome. The air will smell of the drenched sweat towels of these obese otaku, and it will be very, very humid. I will bring two cans of air freshener, spray myself with cologne, and dress very lightly to dry and dampen the effects of this, but I doubt it will be to much avail.
Professional telemarketers are nothing compared
to the crazed people at anicon booths
If I learned anything from watching Lucky Star, it’s that…
- There are blue-haired loli otaku roaming everywhere in Japan, and I truly have a chance at some kind of 3D social interaction with a member of the opposite sex as long as I learn Japanese.
- Shopkeepers and people at anicons are insane.
The obvious solution to this is that I will bring no money. If I am completely broke, I cannot be persuaded to buy anything.
There will be strange cosplayers walking around
There will be many, many cosplayers around, and about one in every thousand of them will look good. Thus I need to prepare myself for the sight of failplay by wearing sunglasses that can easily deflect the ugly beams and fail lasers that undoubtedly emanate from these strange beings.
I can only hope that my Naruto shirt will not attract too much attention from these intensely scary people who would stop at nothing to attack me with their failplay! It’s more eyecancer than my banner, for crying out loud!
This is a particularly troubling affair. I certainly don’t want somebody to ruin my beautiful, radiant face with a punch. However, since I am going with three other people, I think that I’ll be fine.
Yet there’s always the chance that a group of mad anibloggers will travel together, recognize me in my Naruto shirt, and attack when my three comrades all go to the restroom simultaneously.
I am no Akagi. I cannot afford to take this risk. Therefore, I will cosplay as Ink Nijihara, and hopefully attract a crowd of fanboys. This crowd will deter any would-be attackers from making an attempt on my face.
With this battle plan in hand, I don’t think that Anime Expo will scare me anymore. I will overcome this anicon and emerge victorious, figures and manga in hand!
tl;dr: How to anicon?