how to win the aniblog tourney

As the future winner of the aniblog tourney, I feel like my one-sided victory won’t be much fun.  Thus I’m here to help all you pushovers put up at least a decent fight against me.  In this post, you’ll read all about the intricacies and strategies of winning my contest.

First off, let’s see what people have been trying so far…

How to Lose

1. Put up a post that summarizes your blog

Yeah, I’ve seen all you losers do this.  You think that’s going to get people to vote for you?

HELL NO, MAN.

You’re all assuming that the people voting in the Aniblog Tourney are good, decent people who will give both blogs of a competition a fair chance.  Take a look at reality.  This is a dog-eat-dog world where the strongest and craftiest survive, and if you have the time to be playing Open House, you’re not going to live for long.

2. Be humble

Let’s be honest here.  This tournament isn’t about how good your blog design is or how well you write or how friendly a person you are.  So don’t treat it as such.  You have to be aggressive.  It doesn’t matter if your blog is amazing and unique – if you’re humble, you’re done for.

To be humble is to have the wrong mindset about the tournament.  You have to believe that your blog is the best in the competition (of course, with me in the competition, that’s impossible).  If you think you’re going to lose, you’re going to lose.

I used to play Maplestory, a 2D side-scrolling MMORPG.  I was in a guild.  The guild had a competition, and in the end it was me against my friend.  I voted for him because I thought I was going to lose… and guess what?  He won by two votes and he got $30.

I really wanted that $30.

You have to have the $30 spirit.  You need to feign weakness so your opponent will vote for you and then vote for yourself.  You need to feel like you’re going to win, and you need to do whatever it takes to get there.

3. Analyze the tournament

FUCK THAT.  You want to win?  SAY IT LOUD, AND SAY IT PROUD.

(on a random side note, the bottom of Kleenex tissue boxes says “blow it loud and blow it proud”)

Nobody wants to read your sissy analysis of the game when everybody else is fighting to win.

If you saw a pile of gold at your feet, would you take the gold, or would you go home and type about the pile of gold?

If you were starving on a deserted island with three other people and saw some fruit on a tree, would you grab for the fruit, or would you go home and type about the fruit on the tree?

If you were on Mars and saw aliens armed with laser guns shooting down your comrades while you were holding a gigantic bazooka, would you shoot the bazooka at the aliens to save your life or would you go home and type about the aliens?

I think the answer is pretty obvious.

How to Win

1. Put up a post that says “vote for me!”

Yeah, I’ve seen all you winners do this.  You think that’s going to get people to vote for you?

HELL YES, MAN.

What more incentive do readers need than a big fat “VOTE FOR ME!” ??  It’s preposterous to think that readers need anything more than that to go and vote.  You know why Scamp (and co.) urged against this completely lawful tactic?

Because it worked.

My minions dutifully voted for me against Shit Storm, and I won.  53RG10’s lackeys dutifully voted for him, and he won.  Hanners’s readers dutifully voted for him, and he won.

It’s a tried-and-works-like-a-charm technique, and Scamp just wants more pageviews.

2. Blackmail other bloggers

“I voted for you, so you better vote for me.” is a great way to ensure that you get some votes.

Of course, if you have some extra tools at your disposal, it wouldn’t hurt to use them (see fig. 1).

Figure 1

3. Seduce Scamp, RP, and/or mefloraine

If you’re having trouble in the polls, go straight to the guys in charge!

I’m sure you’ve all seen today’s Aniblog Tourney post by now.  If not, click the picture above and take a look.

If you’re female, I’m sure Scamp or RP would be easy to take down.  Just do a little fake webcamming, and they’ll be at your beck and call.  If you’re male, or undetermined like me, you can go for mefloraine.  She put up a fight, but I won her over with my smooth moves, muscular body, and incredible personality.  mefloraine was happy to write up my winning post today.

4. Vote for yourself more than once

What, you mean you’ve been only voting once?  HAH.  No wonder you lost!

I voted for myself on my desktop, my phone, my friend’s computer, and all the computers at the public library and my school library.  How the hell did you think I win, anyway?

Heck, nobody actually comments on my blog.  My “readers” are actually myself!  I make separate wordpress accounts and comment on my own posts and jack up my pageviews by going to the library after school every day!  I’ve set my blog as the homepage for all the computers at the library, and the hits just keep on coming!

5. Win

If all else fails, just win.  It’s not that hard, really.  I’ve already won this year, but I’m sure you can win next year.