how to win the aniblog tourney
Posted: May 15, 2010 Filed under: Uncategorized 27 Comments »
As the future winner of the aniblog tourney, I feel like my one-sided victory won’t be much fun. Thus I’m here to help all you pushovers put up at least a decent fight against me. In this post, you’ll read all about the intricacies and strategies of winning my contest.
First off, let’s see what people have been trying so far…
How to Lose
1. Put up a post that summarizes your blog
Yeah, I’ve seen all you losers do this. You think that’s going to get people to vote for you?
HELL NO, MAN.
You’re all assuming that the people voting in the Aniblog Tourney are good, decent people who will give both blogs of a competition a fair chance. Take a look at reality. This is a dog-eat-dog world where the strongest and craftiest survive, and if you have the time to be playing Open House, you’re not going to live for long.
2. Be humble
Let’s be honest here. This tournament isn’t about how good your blog design is or how well you write or how friendly a person you are. So don’t treat it as such. You have to be aggressive. It doesn’t matter if your blog is amazing and unique – if you’re humble, you’re done for.
To be humble is to have the wrong mindset about the tournament. You have to believe that your blog is the best in the competition (of course, with me in the competition, that’s impossible). If you think you’re going to lose, you’re going to lose.
I used to play Maplestory, a 2D side-scrolling MMORPG. I was in a guild. The guild had a competition, and in the end it was me against my friend. I voted for him because I thought I was going to lose… and guess what? He won by two votes and he got $30.
I really wanted that $30.
You have to have the $30 spirit. You need to feign weakness so your opponent will vote for you and then vote for yourself. You need to feel like you’re going to win, and you need to do whatever it takes to get there.
3. Analyze the tournament
FUCK THAT. You want to win? SAY IT LOUD, AND SAY IT PROUD.
(on a random side note, the bottom of Kleenex tissue boxes says “blow it loud and blow it proud”)
Nobody wants to read your sissy analysis of the game when everybody else is fighting to win.
If you saw a pile of gold at your feet, would you take the gold, or would you go home and type about the pile of gold?
If you were starving on a deserted island with three other people and saw some fruit on a tree, would you grab for the fruit, or would you go home and type about the fruit on the tree?
If you were on Mars and saw aliens armed with laser guns shooting down your comrades while you were holding a gigantic bazooka, would you shoot the bazooka at the aliens to save your life or would you go home and type about the aliens?
I think the answer is pretty obvious.
How to Win
1. Put up a post that says “vote for me!”
Yeah, I’ve seen all you winners do this. You think that’s going to get people to vote for you?
HELL YES, MAN.
What more incentive do readers need than a big fat “VOTE FOR ME!” ?? It’s preposterous to think that readers need anything more than that to go and vote. You know why Scamp (and co.) urged against this completely lawful tactic?
Because it worked.
My minions dutifully voted for me against Shit Storm, and I won. 53RG10’s lackeys dutifully voted for him, and he won. Hanners’s readers dutifully voted for him, and he won.
It’s a tried-and-works-like-a-charm technique, and Scamp just wants more pageviews.
2. Blackmail other bloggers
“I voted for you, so you better vote for me.” is a great way to ensure that you get some votes.
Of course, if you have some extra tools at your disposal, it wouldn’t hurt to use them (see fig. 1).
Figure 1
3. Seduce Scamp, RP, and/or mefloraine
If you’re having trouble in the polls, go straight to the guys in charge!
I’m sure you’ve all seen today’s Aniblog Tourney post by now. If not, click the picture above and take a look.
If you’re female, I’m sure Scamp or RP would be easy to take down. Just do a little fake webcamming, and they’ll be at your beck and call. If you’re male, or undetermined like me, you can go for mefloraine. She put up a fight, but I won her over with my smooth moves, muscular body, and incredible personality. mefloraine was happy to write up my winning post today.
4. Vote for yourself more than once
What, you mean you’ve been only voting once? HAH. No wonder you lost!
I voted for myself on my desktop, my phone, my friend’s computer, and all the computers at the public library and my school library. How the hell did you think I win, anyway?
Heck, nobody actually comments on my blog. My “readers” are actually myself! I make separate wordpress accounts and comment on my own posts and jack up my pageviews by going to the library after school every day! I’ve set my blog as the homepage for all the computers at the library, and the hits just keep on coming!
5. Win
If all else fails, just win. It’s not that hard, really. I’ve already won this year, but I’m sure you can win next year.
Manga Friday
Posted: April 30, 2010 Filed under: Uncategorized 10 Comments »
This is a shitty post... but not as shitty as the ones on Shit Storm! Vote for me! You will, right? Promise me! PROMISE! DAMN IT, VOTE FOR ME YOU SHITTY STUPID SHITTY SHITTY
Recently it has come to my attention that most people read shitty popular manga and never give shitty unpopular manga a shitty chance shitty. Thus it is my shitty pleasure to introduce to you shitty five manga that shitty you should be (but probably shitty aren’t) reading shitty shitty. Shitty shitty shitty and shitty because they are shitty shitty shitty.
This has almost nothing to do with the actual story. Disappointing, I know.
Little House with an Orange Roof
Besides boasting one of the worst manga titles I’ve ever seen, Little House with an Orange Roof is quite good. It’s what happens when you take your average romance, put a seinen twist on it, and throw in two families of characters. You’ve still got your drama and romance, but the novelty of seeing a couple of parents as the main characters isn’t something to play down.
Of course, the art sucks, the story is almost purely episodic, and you sometimes wonder why the main characters are such dumbasses, but it’s thought that counts, right?
P.S.: The cover pages are always, without fail, pictures of the girls. I think the mangaka is sexist.
...has nothing to do with biscuits.
Lucifer and the Biscuit Hammer
Now one of my favoritist manga, Hoshi no Samidare (which somehow makes it into English as “Lucifer and the Biscuit Hammer”) is a complete masterpiece. If One Piece is the pinnacle of mainstream shounen, then Lucifer and the Biscuit Hammer is its non-mainstream counterpart. It starts off as something of a gag manga, then evolves into a drama, an action series, and finally a blend of all three. At the surface, this manga is an enjoyable ride through brilliant characterization and intense but realistic action. Underneath, there are are some pretty deep themes going on. Of course, I can’t name any of these themes because I don’t really want to think right no I’m not a thinker. I’m just a guy who likes superficial things.
Sket Dance
Comedy is serious business, and Sket Dance proves it. The comedy here is on par with Gintama, and the drama far outdoes Gintama’s shoddy transitions from laugh-out-loud-funny to sudden moral-of-the-arc scenes. Besides the main trio of characters, Sket Dance doesn’t do as good a job as Gintama at characterization (there ain’t no Hijikata or Kondo here!), but the main characters have a lot more depth than Gintoki, Shinpachi, and Kagura.
Basically, what I’m trying to say is that Sket Dance is better than Gintama. Gintama is a great manga, and an even greater anime, but Sket Dance is just… well, better. So go out and read this series, because for a Weekly Shounen Jump series that outclasses just about everything else in the magazine, Sket Dance is so un-famous, it’s ridiculous.
If you haven’t noticed, I’ve been listing these manga in order of how much I love them. Of course, Little House with an Orange Roof is pretty damn good to begin with, but Lucifer and the Biscuit Hammer is on a whole different level. Sket Dance is even higher than that… but not the highest.
I would put a picture from the manga here, bu- *BLOOORGH* (throws up)
Franken Fran
This shit is the shit. It’s the shit’s shit’s shit. That’s how much of the shit it is.
Franken Fran is something like a Higurashi comedy, only scarier and with as much gore as Berserk. It will make you feel depressed, entertained, scared, and happy at the same time. When you first read a few chapters, you think to yourself, “What the fuck did I just read?” After a few more chapters, you think, “What the fuck did I just read?” After you’re finally caught up to date, you think, “What the fuck did I just read?” But all the while, you’re loving it. And that’s what makes Franken Fran good.
Black comedy, meet Fran comedy.
Also, vote for me.
The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya
Posted: April 22, 2010 Filed under: Uncategorized 15 Comments »
To all you DVD-holdouts: You don’t know what you’re missing out on.
To all you dissenters: Grow a brain.
To all my fellow Haruhi fanboys (including you new ones): FUCK YEAH
This movie took all that was good about Haruhi S1, made it ten times better, and turned it into two hours and forty minutes of perfection. I laughed until my sides hurt at dialogue between Kyon and Haruhi, I got sucked into the mystery of December 18th, and I was caught completely off-guard by the bit at the end.
And I loved every single second of it.
If you haven’t watched the shitty camrip yet, do it. It’s the best anime movie out there, Kyoto Animation’s greatest work, and a seemingly impossible step up from the most popular anime of the last decade.
P.S.: Nothing I’ve said in this post does the movie enough justice. It’s just that good.